Guardians to debut fusion-powered t-shirt cannon

CLEVELAND, OH — During a Sunday morning press conference President of Baseball Operations Chris Antonetti did not actually announce the inclusion of a fusion-powered t-shirt cannon to celebrate Opening Day.

“Our analytics department cooked this buddy up in their spare time,” said Antonetti. “Finally, a reason to sit on the shipp—in the Right Field Mezzanine.”

Slider demonstrated the cannon to terrified screams as the t-shirt exited at four times the speed of sound, shattering all glass within the auditorium. When the debris settled, Antonetti straightened his tie and bowed.

At press time, Mustard was seen brandishing the cannon outside Wahlburgers.