Cleveland Guardians 2023 photo day awards

In the hierarchy of “things that mean it’s officially baseball season, baby” photo day ranks up there with truck day and the first time we get shaky footage of a guy throwing bullpen sessions in front of an airplane graveyard.

The Guardians had their photo day yesterday, which meant today Getty and USA Today uploaded their hard work to our photo tool, which gives me free rein to use them as I wish (you fools). As such, it’s time for the somewhat annual — or at least that one time in 2017 and again in 2019 — tradition of handing out the first official awards of the season: The photo day awards.

These are official, undisputed, and unfortunately, non-refundable.

Best ability to phase between realities at this very second: Touki Toussaint

Pitch mix includes: Sinker, slider, changeup, and inter-dimensional screwball.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Most likely to say “I’m proud of you, sporto”: Bo Naylor

Sure, you went 0-14 with 13 strikeouts this tournament but you tried hard out there kiddo, and I’m sure you had fun. Now have an orange slice but please keep a distance on the way back to the van, I don’t want anyone to know we’re related. Thanks.

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

The Mom Told Him to Smile or He Loses his Allowance Award Winner: Konnor Pilkington

Maybe he’d smile if mom splurged for the sweet laser backgrounds and didn’t slick his hair back.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Most likely to *tips fedora* m’lady: Shane Bieber

These Discords ain’t gonna moderate themselves, ma’am.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Almost positive he saw you steal a Fruit Stripe pack from the checkout line but doesn’t want to say anything and accuse you until you admit it: Terry Francona

It’s been three days and I haven’t seen him eat a single stick, how is he hiding it so well? The guilt has to be consuming him by now.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

this isn’t an award please help my name is zach collins they have me here against my will and i can’t remove this catcher’s mask to eat i’m so hungry please tell my family i lo—

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

Guy who definitely didn’t steal all the bats: Will Brennan

Look, I told you, I didn’t see who took the bats. I’m sure they are very important for slapping the pigskin around or whatever but I haven’t seen them. Anyway, here’s a picture of Will Brennan.

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

The only friend in the group genuinely interested in your story when everyone else stopped listening: Triston McKenzie

When your story about that deer you saw in your yard went a little long, Derek and Tina quietly started their own side conversation; Lewis straight up left. But here’s Triston, fully attentive and knowing how much that deer meant to you. You’re right, it was just like Bambi.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Best smile: Angel Martinez

I don’t have a joke here, that’s just an 80-grade smile.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Didn’t hear what you said but is trying his hardest to make it seem like he did: Cal Quantrill

He’s trying so hard, just humor him and maybe repeat what you said in a different way so it isn’t so obvious that he was thinking about that time Slider had a nude photoshoot on the cover of ESPN the magazine while you were talking. He just wants to be a good friend and starting pitcher.

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

Most likely to be injured in the dumbest way possible: Zach Plesac (photo unrelated)

Mounds, chairs, trees, air, you name it and he’ll probably punch it and hurt his hand.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

Best glare: Luis Oviedo

Go on, take your third slice of pizza before everyone is finished with their first. Go ahead. He’s definitely not judging you.

Photo by Carmen Mandato/Getty Images

that’s zach collins: z-a-c-h c-o-l-l-i-n-s. i never signed a contract they just put me in the uniform and told me to pose like this, please he—

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports