José Ramírez can’t do it all, try as he might

It was a rough night in a series of rough nights for the Guards, as they fell 9-5 for their sixth-straight loss. Winning has become something we can only remember in dreams. An old friend that hasn’t reached out in years, but you catch a whiff of a dimly lit cigarette and are suddenly taken back to childhood sleepovers. Sleepless nights with the most uncomfortable blanket you have ever felt and the Shrek DVD title music blaring all throughout the night. It’s distant, but it’s wonderful.

And then Shohei Ohtani shows up, break’s a window, snaps the DVD in half, and spits in your face. Get up loser, the Guardians are playing and they can’t score to save their fucking lives.

Not everyone, to be fair. José Ramírez recorded his 18th multi-homer run game, according to the team’s Twitter account (which I’m willing to blindly trust at this point because it’s almost one in the morning and who cares).

He plated all four of the Guardians’ runs while the rest of the lineup tallied seven hits. Owen Miller just kept rolling, adding another two hits. He now has six in the four games since he returned from the COVID injured list on April 24. Meanwhile, Franmil Reyes continued to look atrocious at the plate, striking out in three of his four at-bats and not looking competitive in any of them.

This was a game filled with blistered baseballs — yes, even from the Guardians — to the point that neither of Ramírez’s homers registered in the top-10 hardest of the night. Most of those belonged to Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani, but the hardest-hit Guardian ball came from Josh Naylor — a 108.7 mph single in the first.

Unfortunately, none of that really matters when your starter gets tattooed for six earned runs in 3.2 innings, the defense implodes, and Logan Allen goes and Logan Allens all over himself out there.