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Local Bunter Punished for Desecrating Holy Site

Timothy McScottsburn to run 100 poles for squaring up in the batting cage

Dedication And Ribbon Cutting At Boys And Girls Club Baseball Stadium Photo by Ben Hasty/MediaNews Group/Reading Eagle via Getty Images

LAKE MARY, FL — Local Pinto ball coach and carwash attendant Giles Frontispiece announced late Friday that backup right fielder Timothy McScottsburn torched decades of precedence by practicing a bunt at Soldier’s Creek Park and must be punished accordingly.

“That [redacted] little [redacted] I swear to all that is holy if I see that little [redacted] ever disrespect me like that again I’m going to [incomprehensible],” offered Frontispiece.

Fellow players huddled in the dugout as Frontispiece screamed at McScottsburn for seven minutes and fourteen seconds. “I think he just wanted to work on fundamentals,” said Jerry Lullo, 8.

“Careful, if you say ‘fundamentals’ coach will think you’re making fun of him by using big words again,” said Carmen Smith, 7.

Upon return to the dugout, players mobbed McScottsburn to learn of his fate.

“I have to run 100 poles,” he said. None of the other players knew what this meant.

They learned.

The funeral for Timothy McScottsburn, bunter and runner of 78 poles, is scheduled for Tuesday morning at Schroederinghousen Funeral Services.