CO U BUS, OH - AC DEMY F B TING SCIE ES
~~IS THIS GREEN TYPEWRITER PAPER? WHERE DID THEY FIND THIS? ~~
FROM T E DESK RESEARCH
There’s been a terrible accident, and angry lawyers are telling me that it is very important to issue this press release immediately.
The Academy of Bunting Sciences failed to meet expectations in regards to our $56 billion investment in an AI named Buntotron.
The AI made one last tweet at 1:56 AM last night containing only the phrase “No stress, no seeds, no stems, no sticks! Some of that real sticky-icky-icky.” Immediately after this, smoke billowed from inside the machine and the ominous red LED on the front panel turned off for good.
We regret to inform all students and faculty that attempts to boot, revive, or otherwise animate Buntotron resulted in death(s). Efforts to keep this information from the ethics committee were thwarted by foolish do-gooders. The end result is that The Government Insists that we close the Academy of Bunting Sciences until further notice.
What I’d like to emphasize is the Academy’s status as a non-entity. One advantage of not existing is that laws are much easier to dodge, as are phone calls from Merrick Garland.
It will take some time for all of the legal mumbo-jumbo to pass. In the meantime, as a token of our good will, $10 Starbucks Gift Cards are headed to every family affected by Buntotron-Related Death(s).
We appreciate your patience in this matter. This murderous software is a joke, and so we have no choice but to take it unseriously. If at any time this becomes a real situation we will inform you at twice.
C U B , OH - A D MY F TING S E ES
~~THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE IS BLOODY AND TORN