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The Eight Phases of James Karinchak

A hypothetical model to explain his performance

Chicago White Sox v Cleveland Indians - Game One Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images

A woman bustles up to the podium at the front of the lecture hall, already several minutes late. She taps a button on the wall and power to the entire Academy goes out. Forty minutes later, Trevor, Tanner, Terry, and Vlad from IT solve the problem. The students (who could not leave for lack of existing) applaud this problem-solving and the lecture begins

To, uh, borrow loosely from Faulkner: It appears to me that James Karinchak is electrified by his own talent. There is simply nowhere for all of it to go, and so sometimes it explodes on the mound, scattering runs.

At the Academy, we seek not to understand. We — oh. Just a moment; they are waving at me from offstage. Hmm? Right.

At the Academy, we seek to understand? Yes. Hah, nailed it.

...

RIGHT. We seek to understand the nature of the game, not to solve the game. We are proud to announce the following model: The Eight Phases of James Karinchak.

We believe that using these eight different “phases” will help the Academy better identify — what. I don’t understand, what do you mean “The ‘THE’ is capitalized”? How?

...

These eight different “phases” will help The Academy better identify and categorize The different performances of James Karinchak. At this time, I am prepared to share The list of The eight phases.

  1. James Karinchak
  2. Jamie Korrinchek
  3. Jim Kernchunk
  4. Bjorn Throwtuff
  5. jorms cornchunk
  6. jj junglegym
  7. Jar Jar
  8. ???

While there may be other states or subsets of these states, The Academy is certain that The Aforementioned Phase Listed Are ABsolutely CONFIRMED TO EXIST — all right, you know what? You know what Trevor? Come out here and make buntotron read this garbage. I swear to god is this place even accredited?

And if it is, oh my god.