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A grand unified theory of Mets shenanigans

I think they’re actually in great shape, you guys

Arizona Diamondbacks v New York Mets Photo by Adam Hunger/Getty Images

If you’ve paid attention to the Mets over the last several weeks, you may recall some unusual incidents that don’t seem to make any sense on their own.

Exhibit 1 - Donnie “Diesel” Stevenson, Approach Coach

After a game-winning hit, Mets first baseman Pete Alonso lauded a mysterious figure as key to his success.

The Mets had a hitters’ meeting prior to yesterday’s game and when speaking to reporters about the meeting, Pete Alonso said, “Also, we just made a nice new hire, Donnie. He’s nice. He’s a great hitting/approach coach. Donny’s been great helping the team. I think Luis forgot to mention Donnie. Donnie really helped us today.” When asked what Donnie’s last name was, Alonso—clearly doing a bit of improv comedy at this point—said he would have to ask Chili Davis, but then remembered his last name was “Stevenson.”

- Allison McCague, May 2 2021

Who is Donnie Stevenson? I wonder.

Exhibit 2 - Francisco Lindor scuffled with Jeff McNeil over a rat and/or raccoon?

This is the thing that tipped me off that there’s something goofy going on. The way Lindor is talking about this either something hilarious happened and the Mets are fine, or he’s secretly been Dwight-Howard-toxic for years without anyone saying something.

Unifying Thing - Francisco Lindor is new to New York and struggling

Lindor is not hitting well. At all. He just signed a bonkers contract to boot and now he’s in the Big Apple. There’s some pressure to perform, isn’t there?

Met 1: Hey Frankie, no big deal, we all go through it.

Met 2: Yeah. Hey, actually. Frankie, have you talked to the hitting guy who works in [a horrible and hard to reach place], he’s amazing.

Met 1: Oh, Donnie! (snaps fingers) That’s right.

Met 3: Guys, Donnie is the Approach Coach, remember?

Met 1: Right, sorry. Yeah man, I work with Donnie from time to time when I hit a bit of a funk.

Francisco Lindor: I have never heard of this man.

Pete Alonso, Probably: FRANKIE WHAT THE (#^@ YOU’VE NEVER ^#*@ing WORKED WITH DONNIE? Oh my god, I owe him my whole rookie season dude! You’ve got to go talk to him before tonight’s game.

Met 2: Diesel Donnie changed my swing, totally. We don’t talk about him a lot because he’s just kind of a weird guy, right? He asked about you the other day though. He has some ideas.

Francisco Lindor: And everybody uses this guy?

Met 3: All of us, man. Seriously.

Francisco Lindor: Man, it can’t hurt. Thanks guys.


Luis Rojas: Hey guys? Has anybody seen Francisco?

[CUT TO: FRANCISCO LINDOR, stuck inside an old, dark elevator while an alarm endlessly blares.]

Francisco Lindor: I don’t know what I expected.

Naturally, when Francisco Lindor escaped whatever bizarre situation the Mets pranked him into, I am almost certain that the rat/raccoon fiasco is just Lindor getting even. Welcome to the Mets!

The Academy of Bunting Sciences certifies this as a wildly speculative work of no value.