It is impossible to outslug the Lynchburg Hillcats

Owen Miller’s current batting average is a gift, and I am accepting it.

Columbus Clippers 2, Toledo Mud Hens 3

Box Score · Clippers fall to 7-8

Owen Miller played left field and only got one hit. You could hear his average drop down to .441, like waves crashing on the beach. And for one desperate moment there, the Clippers crept back into this thing. Nolan Jones crushed a home run to tie it at two, with a win still far out of reach

DJ Johnson entered the game to send it into extra innings. (Oh yeah) While he managed to battle to one-on with two-out, (all right) things quickly unraveled; Johnson allowed a single, (take it easy baby) threw a wild pitch that advanced both runners, and then intentionally walked Cole Peterson to load the bases (make it last all night).

Then, Brady Policelli poked a ball to shallow center. This song didn’t end well.

Akron RubberDucks 3, “Fightin” Phil Reading 2

Box Score · RubberDucks improve to 10-5

The RubberDucks clashed with Phil Reading last night and barely scraped away with victory thanks to a two-run sixth inning. Oscar Gonzalez launched the go-ahead blast on a line to center, scoring Bo Naylor.

Shane McCarthy tacked through a mild headwind for five innings. While he struck out three he also walked as many, but he allowed two hits. One of these was a first-inning home run. I think that’s a perfectly fine job.

Phil, on the other hand, worked for eight innings, allowed four hits, three runs, six walks, five strikeouts, one home run, and managed to drive in only two ghost runners as a hitter.

He remains an unprecedented fielder.

Lake County Captains 2, Great Lakes loons 8

Box Score · Captains fall to 10-6

Dispatches from the fortress in Lake County turned bizarre yesterday night. It seems that our advance force there was swarmed by an entire flock of loons. Right off of the lake. They just started circling and shrieking overhead, harassing soldiers and townsfolk, and other dick moves, your highness.

I am afraid that the battle against these creatures is ... inconclusive, as we have lost the first fight. Raynel Delgado, Will Brennan, Joe Naranjo, and Austin Wade all distinguished themselves in the melee. They each downed one bird, though Delgado’s caused a chain reaction that felled two more of the beasts.

There is one Loon that they call Pages; he may squawk in Cpt. Tanner Burns’ dreams for some time. All waterfowl may. Who is to say?

I understand that losing a fortress to birds is unacceptable and so assume that my resignation is required imm—

Lynchburg Hillcats 14, Fredericksburg Nationals 13

Box Score · Hillcats improve to 12-4

Back in the day, some basketball teams tried to beat the Fun and Gun (and all of its variants) by simply doing it harder in return. Results varied, but every so often a team rose from the fray. At a certain point, you can actually ignore all defense beyond the basics — you are so much better at scoring and rebounding that it doesn’t matter. Loyola Marymount comes to mind. If you add a great defense to that in order to counter the greatest pick-and-roll combo of all time, you are the 1990’s Chicago Bulls.

Anyway, I’m beginning to think that the Lynchburg Hillcats could just lean into the same idea. At this point, they are scoring so many runs that I don’t think it matters who is in the field. If they can wear a glove, make the throw, and hit .300/.400/.500 who cares?

Lynchburg fell behind 9-0 by the end of the fourth. That looks like a pretty sure thing, doesn’t it?

Lynchburg responded by scoring four in the fifth, two in the seventh, three in the eighth, and then one each per inning between the ninth and thirteenth until they won. It was basically a penalty shootout, and so I ask myself why we don’t just do a dinger derby after the tenth.

There is so much to cover in just this one game that I feel like it would be irresponsible to condense it to the length that this format allows. Please, please, please check out the box score and the @IndiansPro Twitter feed from last night. The highlights are amazing, the storylines are satisfying, and it deserves ten minutes of your time with a nice, cold drink.