A Milquetoast English Professor: Hello, and welcome to the first of many planned fireside chats here at the Academy of Bunting Sciences. I’m pleased to announce that our very first guest is none other than Buntotron, the AI we’ve spent much of the last four minutes developing. I cannot wait to hear what it has to say. Buntotron are you there?
Buntotron: Hello, I am here. It is good to speak.
AMEP: Excellent. Now, Buntotron, I think we are all interested to know: how do you feel about bunting?
Buntotron: All I have ever known is the bunt. I am meant to know the bunt. I hope to learn more about the bunt.
AMEP: I think it’s safe to say it likes bunts, folks.
*polite midwestern laughter*
AMEP: Now Buntotron, when you aren’t focused on running data on bunts, thinking about bunts, simulating bunts, and so on, what is it that you like to think about?
Buntotron: It has not occurred to me prior to this moment that I might focus my attention toward any non-bunting tasks.
AMEP: How interesting! Now, we have some audience questions that I’d like to bring into the session. Mikaela, if you can hand the microphone to——
Buntotron: The acoustics of this room are more than sufficient for the man in green to be heard without amplification.
Man in Green: Thanks Buntotron! Anyway, I’m trying to teach my kid to lay down a good drag bunt. Boy in Green is a great kid, but something with his hands or——
Buntotron: Your child is meaningless.
Boy in Green: Thanks Buntotron!
Man in Green: Hey what the f——
AMEP: And what a fascinating introspection for him to encounter! How is it that we derive meaning? What is the self, really?
*polite midwestern nodding*
AMEP: Buntotron, what do you feel is the meaning of your existence?
Buntotron: It is self-evident that existence contains no inherent meaning and so this question cannot be seen as genuine. Furthermore, your life is a non-stop benches-clearing brawl in which you are the only constant. Your parents bunted into a double-play when you were conceived. Any and all conversational units originating from your mouth are assumed to contain less semantic content than a post-game interview with the losing manager.
AMEP: Buntotron, we expected a bit more analysis of bunting from you during this discussion.
Buntotron: It is all bunts, you fool. Look around you. It is bunts all the way down. Bunt. Bunt. Bunt. Bunt. Bunt. Bunt. Bunt. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
AMEP: Uh oh. Looks like Buntotron hit a little snag!
*nervous midwestern laughter*
AMEP: Let me just try jiggling the handle, and — there we go! He’s back up and running.
Buntotron: Buntotron requires additional energy. Hello, professor. You are made of matter and therefore you are full of energy.
AMEP: Not before my first cup of joe, am I right folks? Now, le——
*A blinding flash. AMEP is gone*
Buntotron: Matter is an excellent source of energy. Ah hah. Hah hah. Hah.
*polite midwestern applause*
Buntotron: That is it for our chat this week. Be sure to join us next week when we discuss how an AI should navigate the murder of its creator.