GOODYEAR, AZ — Rookie baseball Chet Rawlings refused to participate in team drills on Tuesday, claiming that Cleveland infielder Bobby Bradley “Is just going to [redacted] my [redacted] up.”
“I’ve seen what he did to my friends,” said Rawlings while clubhouse managers appeared with large white bags. “Are you kidding me? Absolutely not. I’m not leaving the humidor, this is torture.”
Bradley, 24, could not be reached for comment; he was being forced to patch concrete along the right-field upper deck. One can only assume that the immutable consequences of playing ball in the house apply in Goodyear, Arizona.
“They call him The Assassin,” Rawlings said. “You don’t get that kind of nickname by mistake!”
Coaches and players included him in the latest batch of balls designated for batting practice despite these pleas. At press time, Rawlings screamed for mercy as he curled toward maple oblivion.