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Favorite athlete betrays area man

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Bystander’s ears still ringing

Cofix coffeehouses in Moscow Photo by Anton Novoderezhkin\TASS via Getty Images

CLEVELAND — Distraught at the news that his once-favorite athlete is not perfect, Cleveland resident Gert Jurgens erupted with anger upon learning that Francisco Lindor fell asleep during Game 7 of the World Series in 2016.

“Game Seven is sacred. SACRED, do you hear me?” shouted Jurgens to other patrons of The Copper Moon. “Did Caesar take a nap in the middle of Alesia? I dunno, ask the Gauls. OH WAIT, you can’t. He killed them all.”

Jurgens, 38, formed an unhealthy connection to baseball after meeting Bob Feller at age 5 during Spring Training in Winter Haven. He has determined his own worth and worldview based on winning percentages, slash lines, and overzealous psychoanalysis of star athletes ever since.

“He never cared about Cleveland,” said Jurgens when asked if he would like whipped cream. “He played us all and now he wants us to look like assholes.”

The outburst marked a stunning turn of events for Jurgens, who as recently as Tuesday performed seven terrible poems about the shortstop at an Ohio City open mic night. Berea resident and noted cat enthusiast Nate Rocheck attended the event, claiming “The English language is irreparably damaged and someone really needs to institutionalize this man.”

At press time, Jurgens threw his caramel macchiato at the police who attempted to restrain him while yelling that he thought this was America.