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Hey, kid. I heard you like ballpark promotions.

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Come check out these slick giveaways for 2019

Divisional Round - Houston Astros v Cleveland Indians - Game Three Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images

KID.

Yeah, you. Come over here.

Now I’m not saying that I know you want to score some sweet, free swag during the upcoming 2019 baseball season at Progressive Field, but I got a feeling, y’know? You kind of shortish tall folks with the dark-light hair and salt of the silver spoon upbringings all like them jerseys, them bobbleheads, them tchotchkes. I’ve got the skinny on how to get a fat bag of goodies from the Tribe this year, y’see?

Image by RobotButt (@thisisRobotButt on twitter), purveyor of hilarious nightmares

Hang on a sec, nope, wrong dimension. Sorry about that, that definitely ain’t it. Tough to keep them realities straight anymore, y’know?

Anyway, here it is for your version of Earth.

The big ticket items this year are the bobbleheads and the jerseys. Always fun to see the team offer a throwback to one of its former players, and with the Alomar bobble they’re doing a current coach, too. The Brad Hand and Carlos Carrasco jerseys sound like your standard player-name jerseys, but the Lindor one sounds like it’s going to be the players’ weekend variety with “Mr. Smile” on the back. No pictures yet. Cannot confirm. Please do not writer angry letters on July 21st.

Meanwhile, the tchotchkes are out in force during the summer months. Who doesn’t want a mug? Well, me, but that don’t matter. If you’re lucky enough to get a ticket to All-Star weekend you get a bag that you can tote. Totebag.

There’s also a shirt, a bag for the beach which is super useful in Cleveland, and a pair of sunglasses that are also bottle openers. I’m sure no one is going to scoop their eye out with a Bud Light. Nope. Perfectly safe idea. Here it is with all the dollar dog nights and such, too.

Pretty slick, right? Super slick. Anyway, here, take this piece of paper with the schedule on it. Make yourself some mimeographs or whatever and enjoy the season. In my home dimension the Indians extended Lindor for 10 years but then the plague killed everyone I love in addition to all dogs so you’ve got it kind of all right on this version of Earth, y’hear?