This recap is from an alternate version of Let’s Go Tribe that sucks and does not reflect the opinions of the real Let’s Go Tribe dot com.

<BLINK> MY COLUMN </BLINK>

We all know the real problem with the Cleveland Indians: Corey Kluber.

Look: He gave up THREE RUNS today. THREE RUNS. We’re calling him the Ace of the Cleveland Indians? If he wants to retain that moniker, my goodness, this start was simply unacceptable. This team can no longer rely on the Stetson University grad. Those “statheads” and “advanced metrics lovers” might tell you that he gave the Cleveland Indians a quality start today. Nothing about this start was quality, I say.

Several poor examples that do not support the thesis

Kluber threw only four strikeouts today. Four? Really? I think the minimum number of Ks to avoid an immediate DFA is fourteen. He also allowed six hits! But we know that Tito loves “his guys” so this total bum Kluber won’t get sent to the glue factory where he belongs. Sigh.

Let’s also review the fact that he allowed two home runs to former third baseman Manny Machado. How good can Machado be if he had to abandon his position for a different one, am I right? I guess that’s what happens when a bum faces a bum: one of the bum murders the other and takes the bag of beer cans he has collected. Today, Machado took TWO BAGS. Like, come on. Not to mention other stuff. Man.

Improper use of statistics

In the last 5 games in which Corey Kluber has allowed at least three runs, his ERA is over four. OVER. IT IS OVER FOUR. Is his record 4-0 in those five stars? Yeah, but like really though, why isn’t he giving up fewer runs in games where his ERA is so high?

I just think he LACKS FOCUS. Have you watched him stare at the hitter before a pitch? Seriously, focus on the GLOVE Kluber. Borks Baseball says that he allows a home run 50% of the time when he makes eye contact with a hitter before throwing a pitch. And my dog has worked hard on those numbers, people.

Insufficient credit given to various hitters

Speaking of ABSOLUTE GARBAGE, Jose “Should have been traded for ten catfish” Ramirez finally showed up at the plate with two home runs and three RBI today. You know how bad he was, despite doing well? He only drew one walk. PFT. PFT. PEE EFF TEE Y’ALL.

I mean, where are the bats? Did someone leave them in the storage unit when we dropped everything off after Thanksgiving and got the Christmas stuff? Every hitter got on base but seriously guys where are the extra base hits? The Indians only had six today. Pitiful. And no triples, either! I understand that the new “meta” in baseball is to hit bombs, but don’t disrespect the game by pulling up at second like a bitch.

Completely irrelevant point

By the way, Baltimore isn’t even that close to the ocean. And that warehouse blocks the sun. They can’t use the excuse that “lol balls don’t carry in April” or “ahahaha that sun tho” stfu Naquin I know it was you because 90% of all negative criticism starts with your name so that’s just math, bro. BRO. Ten bucks says I could fan you if hits counted as strikes, you loser. \m/ lol nope

Unexpected insightful moment

The one thing I will say is that Yan Gomes flashed a bit of his silver slugger past today. Remember when we all thought we had a perennial all-star catcher but then he went and Ray Fosse’d himself? Maybe that guy is back. There is a vocal contingent out there — they’re hard to find, and definitely not affiliated with this website or named Matthew Rielschlungdinfraber Lyons — who feel that Roberto Perez should start. To that, I say that Gomes is on a tear right now. Let him feel it out. If he’s back after a three year slump, this team is unstoppable

Speaking of being back, we will all soon be subservient to thrice-exalted emperor Michael Brantley, may his days be long and his dongs longer. I won’t even post his numbers because I’m a bad sportswriter today for the sake of a bit, but look that up, bruh. Look. It. Up. Did you read it? Dope, amirite? Like. Damn bruh. Bruh.

There is nothing under this headline except a photo that Lyons would delete if this was an analysis post and then he would also delete the headline like a good editor should but he’s got a dog and kids so there’s no way he’s gonna see this bullshit

Evan Habeeb-USA TODAY Sports

Normally you never get this far because you’ve thrown your computer out the window over the split infinitives I’ve placed here to strategerously anger your spouse

Man this team is so dope though even if the two-time Cy Young winning pitcher leading the staff is LITERALLY THE WORST. Hot take — Josh Tomlin’s curveball is better than Corey Kluber’s five-seamer.

Like seriously though the Indians can take three of four from the Orioles tomorrow in the last game of the series. It’s super weird that one game counts as four but like lol whatever I don’t understand baseball at all this is my grandpa’s account ne1 trying to play fortnite? I’m like Joanna Gaines if she was also secretly MI6 bruh.