The playoffs are coming. While this is a time of unprecedented excitement for baseball fans everywhere, it also brings an overwhelming level of stress. As @Sportsyelling once yelled, “ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF YOUR HEART IS HEALTHY ENOUGH FOR OCTOBER BASEBALL”.

Shouldn’t we also ask if our mind is healthy enough? Yes. We should. I think that having a pre-written series of statements, tweets, and hot takes can help relieve playoff stressors. Why let that wonderful brain of yours stew while coming up with ridiculous things to say about the game when it should just be experiencing the ridiculous things? For example, I tweeted that I thought Edwin Encarnacion’s career was over when he rolled his ankle in the ALDS last season. If I’d had a handy list to refer to, my poor little brain wouldn’t have grasped for something so silly and painful.

Here for your own personal and professional use are a few different statements to keep handy throughout October.

When the national television announcers say something stupid

• They wouldn’t say that about a Yankees/Red Sox/Dodgers/Cubs player!
• Pitcher wins don’t matter and neither do you.
• I spend most of my life surrounded by feral cats and that’s the most insightful thing I’ve heard all day.

When one of your favorite players makes a horrendous error

• If a meteor struck me in the back of my head right now I think I’d be fine with that.
• He wouldn’t have made that error if he was playing his natural position!
• Let’s just cut everyone’s hands off and kick the ball around the infield because it’s not going to make a difference.

When the umpire blows a call that cannot be reviewed

• Give us robot umps and then give said robot umps the right to challenge any flesh and blood umpire to a duel on national television.
• Wow I wouldn’t expect a petty reaction from Joe West this is simply shocking.
• There is a major untapped opportunity for Lasik advertisements on umpire’s uniforms.

When the replay review team in New York overturns a call because the runner’s hip bounced off of the bag or completion of a catch wasn’t clear for one frame out of seventeen-thousand in the half-second clip that they just watched

• [long drink from multiple alcoholic beverages simultaneously]
• If one of the cats I inexplicably spend most of my days with says that it’s a catch then it’s a catch and I truly think they would call a better game.
• CAN WE HAVE A CIVILIZATION?

When a fan interferes with a ball in play and it helps the other team and they don’t even catch the ball

• I’ve changed my mind. Let’s bring back public executions.
• I hope that person’s parents are calling them right now to tell them how disappointed they are.
• To be fair he/she would be a better defensive outfielder than Gary Sheffield.

When the manager makes a pitching change that backfires

• There’s an alternate timeline in which the world is destroyed moments from now by every volcano simultaneously erupting, but that timeline doesn’t involve [reliever] giving up that home run and so I think it’s the preferable one.
• No, we just couldn’t use our best reliever there because there might have been a save situation later. Better to lose the series than not have your closer for a hypothetical save.
• I would like to be tased in the eyeball.

When the manager intentionally walks someone and it isn’t to avoid a great hitter while simultaneously setting up an inning-ending double play in the bottom of the ninth or later against a poor batter with a handedness disadvantage in a tie game when the additional run doesn’t matter and then the next batter hits a home run

• HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING SINCE TROY O’LEARY? NOTHING?
• In what past life did I commit so heinous a crime as to deserve this senseless violence today?
• [uncontrollable sobs]

ANY NON-PITCHER BUNTING

• WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY

When Greg Allen walks or hits a single

• Sweet, a triple.

When Francisco Lindor commits a small error early in the game

• ANGRY LINDOR IS UNLEASHED! MAY THE HOMERS BE BOUNTIFUL.

I hope you find this guide a useful tool to help keep your mind settled throughout the significant mental stress of October baseball.