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Grading the Indians’ Player’s Weekend nickname choices

This is your one chance to wear a nickname and you choose Sally?

Indians.com

The Cleveland Indians, as well as the rest of the league, will get the chance to show off their creative side during the Players Weekend from August 25 to August 27. The most noteworthy aspect of the weekend is the ability for players to choose their own nickname jerseys, similar to the long-dead XFL.

The idea is an obvious play for the millenials and youths of the world and their damn rap music, but it’s a good one. Anyone who has read this blog or heard me on Let’s Talk Tribe knows I like players being able to have personalities, and this is a good way to encourage it.

Jerseys are available to buy now and game-worn jerseys will be auctioned for charity. The jerseys themselves are brightly colored and have a simple look inspired by youth baseball. In addition, they all have a patch symbolizing a player’s journey from Little League to the majors.

Now, that all that is out of the way, onto the important part of this post: grades! Some of them are downright depressing, but a few are great acknowledgements of nicknames. Some are boring, and some are just the damn regular name on the jersey. Those get an F, no exceptions.

Let’s get to it.

Cody Allen: Pollo

Grade: B+

Um, ok. Did I miss somewhere that Cody Allen is nicknamed after a chicken? I feel like I don’t get it, but at least it’s something. I’d buy a jersey with “Pollo” on it if I had too much money to burn.

Abraham Almonte: El Varon

Grade: C-

Excuse my lack of spanish here, but I believe this translates to “The Man.” Google translates to “The Male,” but I don’t think that’s what Abe was going for. Either way, it’s kind of lame. I’ve always been partial to “Baberaham”.

Shawn Armstrong: Armie

Grade: D

With few exceptions, taking your name and just shortening and adding a couple letters is a dumb nickname choice. “Armie” is not one of those exceptions.

Trevor Bauer: Bauer Outage

Grade: A

“Bauer Outage” is a pretty expected nickname for Trevor Bauer, but it’s such a great nickname that I can’t blame him for using it. Honestly, if he had gone with anything else it would have been a D or F, because “Bauer Outage” is so great and fits his unique name so well.

Michael Brantley: Dr. Smooth

Grade: A

Another expected, yet great, nickname here. Michael Brantley will always been Doctor Smooth. The name was given to him by Dennis Manoloff because of his smooth swing, but the nickname has evolved to encompass his overall smooth attitude and especially his smooth smile.

Carlos Carrasco: Cookie

Grade: A+

Again, expected and needed. You’ll notice this one received an A+ as opposed to an A, though. That’s simply because how Carlos Carrasco got the nickname Cookie is just the best. According to a Q&A with Cleveland.com, former Tribe closer Chris Perez saw him eating cookies and just started calling him Cookie. That’s it. That’s the story. I love it.

Lonnie Chisenhall: Big Lon

Grade: B

This is the first of the unofficial “expected but not that great” category. There are so many fun ways to play with Lonnie Chisenhall’s last name that “Big Lon” feels like a sad alternative. It’s not terrible, but I would have even accepted “Lonald,” a fake name given to him by fans on Twitter that almost sounds like it could be real, for an A-grade here. An A+ would have been the greatest nickname in baseball, if only for the rage it induces in many fans: “Lonnie Baseball.”

Mike Clevinger: Sunshine

Grade: C+

I’m sorry, what? Not even “The Flow?” Which, granted, isn’t perfect, but at least it’s something. Sunshine, Michael?

EDIT: I have been informed that this is a reference to Remember the Titans and is probably a good nickname. Consider me formally owned online.

Kyle Crockett: Crock

Grade: C

Personally, I prefer “Baby Face” or “Fetus” for Crockett, because he looks like he’s -18 months years old. But I guess “Crock” is passable.

Edwin Encarnacion: EE

Grade: A-

Completely unmarketable (who wants a jersey that just says “EE”?), but it’s his nickname so what do you want? “Edwing” would be a nice alternative, but I don’t think that’s nearly as popular as the simple “EE”.

Yan Gomes: Gomer

Grade: B-

I get it, “Gomer” is what all his teammates call him. But, come on, “The Yanimal” is so much better. You really let us all down here, Gomer.

Brandon Guyer: BG

Grade: D

Does anyone call Brandon Guyer “BG”? If so, why? He’s not Edwin Encarnacion with a seven-syllable name where a two-letter nickname makes sense. Why not play off his penchant for getting hit by pitches? “The Human HBP” maybe?

Austin Jackson: AJax

Grade: A-

Another for the “expected but passable” category. Not much to say here: “AJax” is a solid nickname and a pretty sweet jersey.

Jason Kipnis: Kip

Grade: B+

Expected, kind of boring.

Corey Kluber: Klubes

Grade: F+

What the shit, Kluber? Don’t you know I have shirts to sell? “Klubes” is a lame nickname, but completely ignoring “The Klubot” is even worse. I know, I know, he’s said he doesn’t like the running joke of him being an emotionless robot, but come on. If I was a baseball player I’d love the idea of being a killing machine. Not a Klubes, whatever that is.

Francisco Lindor: Mr. Smile

Grade: D-

This nickname is just too on the nose for Lindor. “Frankie” is one of those rare exceptions where shortening your name and adding some letters is okay. I didn’t love “Frankie” at first, but it’s grown on me. “Mr. Smile” will never grow on me.

I feel like I should also toss in Jason Lukehart’s suggestion, “The Cat’s Pajamas,” here. If only because I also spent tens of minutes on a photoshop for it.

Boone Logan: Booner

Grade: B

One letter away from have “Boner” on a real baseball jersey, I’ll take it.

Zach McAllister: Z-Mac

Grade: B

Yeah, sure, his name is “Z-Mac” and he’s putting it on his jersey. Just his name, so it’s not great, but it works.

Andrew Miller: Miller Time

Grade: A+

Love the nickname, love the Indians tweet every time he comes out to pitch. If I buy any of these jerseys, it’ll be this one.

Tyler Olson: Oly

Grade: C-

Sure.

Dan Otero: OT

Grade: D+

What, why? I would have preferred “New Jeff Manship”.

Roberto Perez: Bebo

Grade: B+

It’s his nickname, I guess, and it’s relatively original.

Jose Ramirez: Ramirez

Grade: F+

Disgraceful, Jose. You’re one of the most-fun players in baseball and you can’t come up with something? I’ve grown to accept that he might not like being called “The Angry Hamster”, but there has to be something somewhere out there for him. The only reason this isn’t an F- is because he didn’t use “Hosie” or “Boom-Boom”.

Daniel Robertson: Sparky

Grade: A-

Daniel Robertson may never play in an Indians uniform again, but he was a lot of to watch when he was good for a couple days. And the dude is absolutely a spark plug when he’s good. I would have also accepted “Serial Killer Eyes”.

Danny Salazar: Sally

Grade: D-

Come on now, “The Dzar” is the choice here.

Caros Santana: Slamtana

Grade: A

Yes.

Bryan Shaw: Geek

Grade: D+

No.

Joe Smith: Sidewinder

Grade: B+

Get it? He’s a submarine pitcher so he pitches from the side. I think this looks awesome on a jersey, and it also reminds me of one of my favorite Halo maps, so it’s a yes from me, dog.

Josh Tomlin: Scrubs

Grade: D-

What? “The Little Cowboy” is the only acceptable answer here.

Giovanny Urshela: Gio

Grade: C-

“Gio” is just so uninspired. Again, our own Jason Lukehart came up with a much better nickname for him: “Monstro”.

Bradley Zimmer: Machine

Grade: F-

Awful. You have a unique last name that opens itself to many great things, and you could also go by “White Lightning,” which is also great. “Zim Shady,” “The Zim Reaper,” “Zimbop,” whatever you want. And you go with “Machine.” This nickname choice is the not-running-out-an-infield-pop-up of nickname choices.