Welcome to Progressive Field, home of the 2016 American League Champion Cleveland Indians! They have a great game today against AL Central rival Minnesota Twins who are just a half game behind our Tribe for first place in the division. Josh Tomlin goes head to head against Ervin Santana in the series finale. I know traffic was a little bad getting down here and the game already started, but let’s head in and catch the game. It’s only the bottom of the second inning, I’m sure it’s been a quiet game up to this point.
*Enters Progressive Field*
Hmm, well things seem to be going poorly so far, Berton. Looks like the Twins got to an early lead in the top half of this inning. I’m sure it was some fluke-y play that was unavoidable. *checks gameday app* Ahh, Jason Castro had a bases clearing double over the head of Austin Jackson. I mean, his career slugging of .388 isn’t great, but he can muscle one into the gaps every now and then I suppose. But hey, don’t worry. I know it’s your first time here; the team won’t let you down. They’ll pull out a win for you, Berton. Let’s find our seats after we grab some hot dogs.
*Acquires hot dogs, walks to seats*
Okay I get it, Berton, you like regular mustard over stadium mustard, that’s your right. But just because Yan Gomes struck out to end the inning, stranding Bradley Zimmer at second and Lonnie Chisenhall at third is no excuse for you to throw a perfectly good hot dog at the nice lady three rows in front of us.
*A few minutes later*
Yes Berton, let’s head to the Corner. We can grab a beer while Tomlin throws his warm up pitches to start the fourth. The Corner is great. You get get progressively more drunk throughout the game and then complain that Michael Martinez is back on the team. *Hears large crack and collective groan across the stadium*. Oh don’t pay them any mind, Berton. That’s just Tomlin’s routine solo home run that he gives up. What inning is it, the fourth? Yep, it’s about that time. Who hit this one? Looks like it was Eddie Rosario. He’s young but he’s got some pop in his bat. Berton no, don’t chuck your beer at the cashier! It’s not his fault that Josh Tomlin left an 86 mph cutter over the heart of the plate. Terribly sorry, sir. Come on, let’s go back to our seats, Berton. Tribe is coming up to bat, this is where it all turns around!
*Back at their seats*
Chisenhall has been pretty good this season, yeah. Looks like he could be our first run if Gomes can bring him home. Hell, a gapper could maybe clear the bases and score Jackson from first as well...and he struck out again. It’s okay, Berton, don’t cry. *Pats Berton reassuringly on the shoulder* Yan Gomes has not been great offensively since 2014. He’s made some improvements this season, but he still leaves a lot to be desired at the plate.
*A seemingly immeasurable amount of agonizing time (1 inning) passes*
Everyone is cheering because that’s Jose Ramirez, or the Angry Hamster. He’s been hitting doubles left and right this season, so this one is no surprise. It’s still only the fifth inning, so there’s plenty of time to claw back into this one...AND LOOK BERTON, A WILD PITCH! RAMIREZ MADE IT TO THIRD! Alright, this could be exciting Berton. Edwin Encarnacion was a player that the Indians signed this past winter to come to Cleveland and hit home runs. This is his moment...and he struck out. Yeah, he does that sometimes too. Berton, you look awfully foolish trying to rip the chair out of the ground to throw at Edwin. You aren’t that strong, buddy.
*Why am I still watching this game?*
Yeah buddy, that’s Jason Castro again. Yes that’s his second double of the game and his comrade Eddie Rosario is strolling across home plate. I get that you’re upset at the route that Lonnie Chisenhall took to the ball, and I agree it was a pretty poor right. But do you have to boo the team, Berton? Haven’t they suffered enough?
*Walks to Heritage Park*
Look, it’s the sixth inning. Last season, the Cleveland Indians were great at late inning magic. Sure they haven’t done it much this season, but they can start today just for you, Berton. *Angry boos echo across Progressive Field* Sounds like Yan Gomes made another final out with two men on base. I don’t know either, Berton. Let’s go look at the Jim Thome statue.
*Returns to seats, saddened and defeated*
Things aren’t looking good, my friend. Buddy Boshers is a really good reliever. In his young MLB career, he’s been almost average! But this season, whew boy has he been good. He’s allowed just five runs in 15 innings. But that could be small sample noise. I’m sure that the Tribe is getting ready to tee off on him any minute now.
*Spoiler alert: they did not*
I’m sorry, Berton. I really thought that the Cleveland Indians would come through for you today. But I can’t change the fact that our star shortstop, Francisco Lindor, went 0-for-5 and continues to be mired in the worst slump of his young career. I have no power to make Edwin Encarnacion hit home runs and not go 0-for-4, that’s on him. All things considered, you should be happy that you saw Josh Tomlin only give up 3 earned runs. Yes, I know that the box score says 4, Berton, but that last run was clearly the result of a throwing error by Lonnie Chisenhall. If Chisentray (I’ll explain later, Berton) hits his cutoff man, that run doesn’t score. I mean, it didn’t matter, but that’s the beauty of baseball I suppose. A lot of little things culminate to make one big thing. Sometimes that thing is good, and sometimes the thing is bad. Today, the thing was bad. I will give credit to Erwin Santana though. He looked amazing against our team. But the season is a long one, Berton. How did you enjoy your first game? Are you a Tribe fan now? Berton, what’s that behind your back? *Berton pulls out a dark blue hat with a intertwined white T and red C emblazoned on the front and puts it on his head*
...You make me sad, Berton.