Indians drop spring training matchup to Twins, 5-0

Can you believe these Minnesota Twins? They really took this whole silly game way too seriously. I mean, the Cleveland Indians were obviously in spring training, yet those hilarious Twins kept hitting the second-inning meatballs served by Trevor Bauer and they kept catching lasers hit to the outfield by Indians batters. Get a life lol.

The Twins were actually out there trying, putting out a lineup full of real major league baseball players while the Indians had third baseman Erik Gonzalez (???) batting second and Roberto Perez and Daniel Robertson at the bottom of the order. Nice try, Twins, but this was just a warm-up game that didn’t count. Could you imagine if it did, though? The Indians would look really stupid platooning Bradley Zimmer against Adalberto Mejia. It would have been even worse if Adalberto effing Mejia no-hit the Indians through three innings in a game that mattered.

You should have seen Brian Dozier out there, pretending he was in a game where the final score counted, going 3-for-4 with two runs batted in. Get a life dude lol. I bet his coach actually told him this game mattered, that he should hit at the top of the order because that’s where the good players should hit lol. What a dweeb.

Meanwhile, the Indians just didn’t really care, because that’s what cool cats do. They had the bases loaded twice for No. 2 hitter Erik Gonzalez (???) and he struck out both times, because it’s just a game, man. Get a life, Twins lol. Gonzalez finished with a WPA of -.157 if you were wondering, because that’s how you look cool playing baseball. And if you don’t know what WPA is, just know that Gonzalez basically beat the Indians himself while wearing an Indians uniform.

Trevor Bauer took this game way too seriously in the first inning. He struck out two batters and forced Dozier into a ground out. It wasn’t until the second inning that he threw up his hands and said “I get it guys, we’re just messing around this is only a game if you take this seriously you’re a loser lol.” Four of the five runs he allowed came in that inning and the next wouldn’t come until the fifth. If the Indians offense wasn’t just chillin’ for two hours tonight, Bauer might have been in position for a win, because let me remind you the Twins sent Adalberto Mejia to the mound.

Please kill me.