Corey Kluber named Cleveland Indians Opening Day starter

In an unprecedented move that shook the foundations of the baseball world Saturday morning, the Cleveland Indians selected its best pitcher and former Cy Young Award winner Corey Kluber to pitch on Opening Day.

Is there a long tradition of allowing a team’s best pitcher, or “Ace” throw the first game of the season? Yes, but that is beside the point. To be perfectly frank the Indians decision to let Corey Kluber play the game of baseball at all is an absolute outrage. Given the types of things he’s done to batters in the past it was widely assumed by baseball pundits that Kluber would no longer be allowed to play professional baseball.

The embarrassment felt by hitters around the league threatened the integrity of the game, as many refused to even show up on gameday when Kluber was listed as the probable starter. Some have even injured themselves trying to make contact with his pitches. To understand the level of terror batters reach when facing Kluber, consider this: his breaking ball has no name. It’s not a slider. It’s not a curve. He simply calls it a breaking ball, and it cannot be touched by mortals.

Baseball historian and connoisseur of top-quality methamphetamine Nate Rocheck weighed in on the matter, stating, “Look, if the Indians want to play a guy that fulfills the promise of Sidd Finch, fine. I just think the league needs to force them to start their offensive half of the inning with two outs, because that’s basically what happens to other teams when Kluber pitches.”

It boils down to this: the Indians are brazenly deploying an unfair advantage 30-35 times this season despite the protests of 29 other teams. How they respond to this provocation is yet to be seen, though the editorial position of this paragraph is that they are doomed.

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