Carrasco assaults mound while fans uncertain if this is the baseball

Cleveland Baseball Indians @ New York Baseball Yankees

Sunday, August 7th 2016, 1:05pm ET. Yankee Stadium, Bronx, New York, accessible by IRT Jerome Avenue Line and the underground IND Concourse Line.

Radio: WTAM 1100

Television: SportsTime Ohio

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The Indians entire pitching staff spent several days being tossed into a glass furnace with nothing but the nails in their shoes coming out the other side. These nails were then eaten by a drifter on a five dollar bet; after the bet the drifter was then tossed into the glass furnace as well. This process continued until the nails were either digested or melted and the streets of Cleveland lay empty.

Corey Kluber reconstituted himself from a sliding glass door and pitched a phenomenal game yesterday, allowing only five hits in eight innings of work. Andrew Miller shut the door, and the Indians posted a win in their first normal baseball game since last Saturday. Now that the bullpen is rested and the bats are settled, the Indians can steal a series at home today before traveling to the nation's capital to play the Nationals on Tuesday.

Patriotic, isn't it? So it today's starting pitcher, Carlos Carrasco. Cookie just earned his United States citizenship and shared his excitement with the world on twitter. If I remember correctly, being American adds 2-3 mph and an inch of movement on a fastball. Keep an eye on that in today's game.

The Yankees sally Masahiro Tanaka out of the dugout to battle Carrasco. According to MLB.com, "August has not been kind to Tanaka in the past or present." While they're referring to his ERA, I prefer to imagine August Fagerstrom going on a twitter rampage and sending several strongly worded letters to Tanaka's mother.

Here are some words about the Tribe's bats:

• Mikel Napoli is basically Jay Gatsby at this point, as he's hosted five parties in the last week alone. Please drive safely and responsibly when leaving the Napoli residence. Also: he's two dingurrz aweigh.
• Jason Kipnis is now at his career-high for home runs: 18.
• Lonnie Chisenhall sports a .300/.347/.464 line this year, all career highs, though it would take a miracle for him to reach 500 PAs.
• I started to look up the combined wRC+ and WAR for the catching position but I don't need that kind of nightmare fuel.

Let's have an enjoyable afternoon of baseball, win or lose.