Five totally legitimate reasons why Cleveland Indians ace Corey Kluber should not be an All-Star

You can make the argument that Corey Kluber deserves his spot on the All-Star roster. People already have, but they are simply wrong. In the same way that Kluber is actually the Tribe's #5 starter, he is not at all deserving of his All-Star nod. I offer the following reasons why he should be immediately removed from the festivities.

[Editor's note: Actually, you know what, nevermind. If you need a satire warning for this post you're probably on the wrong website, anyway.]

ERA and pitcher wins are a perfect measure of pitcher success

As any real baseball fan knows, ERA is the only statistic other than pitcher wins that is necessary to evaluate a pitcher. The current leader in the league is Clayton Kershaw with a 1.79 mark. Kluber sits at a disastrous 3.61, which is 38th in the league among qualified starters. When we view pitcher wins, Kluber sits at nine, good for 14th in the league. However, he is also personally responsible for eight losses. Based on that, I don't know how Fangraphs comes up with 3.3 "wins" above replacement for Kluber. Nine wins. Eight losses. Obviously, he's only one win above replacement, and twelve times worse than 12-0 Stephen Strasburg. It's simple math, people. We don't need to do linear algebra or topology or something.

There are more deserving pitchers in the AL Central

It starts with Michael Fulmer. He has a lower ERA, sitting at 2.11. Add this to the fact that he is younger, meaning that he has an unfair handicap due to pitching with less experience. It becomes obvious that he's just more talented at that point since he's a rookie this season. Even if you think that Kluber and Fulmer are neck-and-neck, it's a well-known fact that the tie in pitcher value goes to the player with more hair on his face.

Ballgame.

There are no other choices. It is Fulmer and Fulmer alone. I had Jose Quintana in this section as well but then he went and got picked shortly before I filed the piece and almost ruined everything.

Corey Kluber already has a Cy Young award, so isn't an All-Star game kind of a step back?

Seriously. Kluber already won the Cy Young award, so why do we need to also vote him into an All-Star game? It's just redundant at this point to give him another award pointing out that some people think he's a very good pitcher. The Cy Young award is the better award, too! If I were Kluber, I would take this as a massive slap in the face from baseball. If he were a better all-around human, he would have declined the All-Star game invite from Yost and cited the Cy Young award. "I appreciate your backhanded offer, Mr. Yost, but I already have myself a big time award. I have included a photograph of the award next to a banana, for scale. I am content with this and do not need any other acknowledgements."

Instead, he's gone ahead and accepted the All-Star nod and might even pitch in the game. Sigh. I thought he was a role model, but clearly I misjudged the content of his character. It's just irresponsible.

THIS IS WHAT AN IRRESPONSIBLE ROBOT LOOKS LIKE, PEOPLE

The rules of baseball clearly state that players suspected to be even part-robot may not participate in All-Star festivities

It's posted clearly for anyone who can read and follow a hyperlink. We all know that Kluber may or may not be a robot assembled at Stetson University. Only a fool would fail to recognize the parallel between Kluber’s matriculation in 2005 at Stetson and Dr. Hala El Aarag’s emergence as head of Computing Machinery that very same year. Her work continues, pumping out later prospects such as Jacob DeGrom. It's a smoking gun, and one that clearly makes Kuber ineligible based on Rule 6.05:

Rule 6.05 - Inhuman Conduct

(a) No manager, player, substitute, coach, trainer or batboy shall at any time, whether from the bench, the coach’s box or on the playing field, or elsewhere:

(1) Use any robotic or computerized enhancements that supersede the agreed-upon calibrations outlined in section 3.11.

(2) Incite, or try to incite, by word, sign of demonstration, or execution of code, a feeling of inferiority in fully-human players after the first pitch is thrown.

(3) Use any outlets other than the designated clubhouse and dugout outlets for charging.

(4) Participate in any All-Star festivities as a player with the ability to speak computer may more easily tamper, falsify, or otherwise disrupt the integrity of the voting process.

(5) Robotic players may not record video memories of the game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

To be fair, this isn't Kluber's fault; Yost is blatantly in violation of the written rules of the game here, and I would be shocked if Rob Manfred doesn't step in and correct the situation before the game. Let a robot pitch in the All-Star game and what's next? Robots calling balls and strikes? We might as well feed the Declaration of Independence to a gerbil.

Jupiter is still in Virgo

Jupiter won't complete its transit of Virgo until September 9, 2016, and it's completely appalling that Ned Yost is ignoring this when making his back-up picks. Making matters worse, Jupiter just exited a trine with Pluto, meaning that decision making will be difficult for outgoing, boisterous Leos. GUESS WHICH SIGN NED YOST IS? A Leo. Even the cosmos is indicating to us that selecting Kuber might have been a mistake. As everyone knows, Jupiter in Virgo means we need to focus on kindness, giving, and conscientiousness. This indicates that the correct decision would have been to select Michael Fulmer, the rookie.

Putting Kluber in the lineup — an Aries — also goes against his personal Horoscope for the week. As Astrology.com notes, "[A an Aries] you will make better use of your time if you channel your emotions into a creative pursuit like cooking, singing, or even shopping!"

SHOPPING.

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Sabermagicians demand to be taken seriously, point to their newfangled statistics, and explain that Kluber is better than the traditional numbers indicate. xFIP doesn't win 20 games; WHIP can't throw 300 strikeouts. These are facts. I'm not making the argument; the facts are, and you can't argue with a fact. You can try, but it's just going to sit there on the page and stare blankly back at you without saying anything because sentences don't have mouths. Checkmate, nerd.