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Here’s why your team should trade for Miguel Cabrera

Look at this fine young slugger. Please get him away from the AL Central forever.

MLB: Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

Rumors have been swirling that the Detroit Tigers are looking to deal their superstar first baseman — and known Cleveland Indians killer — Miguel Cabrera sometime this offseason.

So far it sounds like only the Houston Astros have been sniffing around, but let’s be honest: everyone should be in on this. Please. Anyone, take him away from Cleveland as far away from the AL Central as possible, I beg you.

Out of the goodness of my heart, I have complied a complete list of why your favorite team should acquire Miguel Cabrera, just as long as you don’t send too many prospects back to the Tigers.

Whether you are in the AL West, AL East, NL West, NL East, or NL Central, every team has a very valid option for wanting this superstar. Preferably a team in the NL.

AL East

New York Yankees - Miguel Cabrera can pitch, trust me. Just slot him in your rotation and never let him bat, it’ll work I promise.

Boston Red Sox - David Ortiz retired after last season.

Toronto Blue Jays - You need to replace Edwin Encarnacion. Also losing passports is really easy.

Tampa Bay Rays - You’ll probably trade him to the Giants in a couple years, anyway.

Baltimore Orioles - You sure do love your home runs and you also play the Indians just four times next season.

AL West

Seattle Mariners - This one’s easy, you need a power hitter. Just do whatever it takes. Also, Seattle is roughly 2,406 miles away from Cleveland whoops not sure how that fact got in here.

Texas Rangers - Look at you, Rangers. You love your power hitters, we know it. You also only play the Indians seven times next season, not that that matters.

Oakland Athletics - Moneyball or whatever, I don’t care. You’re on the West Coast and that’s really far away.

Houston Astros - You need some power in your lineup. Send some prospects to the Tigers, just not really good ones. Good enough to get Cabrera, of course, just don’t go overboard with it. Nobody likes a showboat.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox - No.

Minnesota Twins - Nope.

Kansas City Royals - Absolutely not.

Cleveland Indians - Maybe?

NL East

Atlanta Braves - You have that really cool new Single-A team, the Fire Frogs. Don’t let the opportunity go to waste — nothing will sell tickets like Miguel Cabrera as a Fire Frog.

New York Mets - Mets starts with ‘M’ and so does Miguel. Get it done.

Miami Marlins - Atone for your past sins and have him return to Florida, which is in an entirely different league than the Indians.

Philadelphia Philles - You need a replacement for Ryan Howard, or you could also use a new third-base coach. Up to you.

Washington Nationals - Transplant his ligaments into Stephen Strasburg. All of them.

NL Central

Pittsburgh Pirates - Miguel could rock that Pirate Parrot mascot suit. Don’t risk the injury and never let him bat. Win/win.

Chicago Cubs - Let him gaze into Kris Bryant’s eyes for eternity.

Milwaukee Brewers - Hide him a corner outfield spot until the league forgets about him in several years.

St. Louis Cardinals - Remember Albert Pujols? Miguel Cabrera is that without the feet of a 97-year-old. Also, you’re in the NL, which is awesome.

Cincinnati Reds - Joey Votto? More like Joey trade him to the Indians-o.

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers - He could probably be a fifth starter. It’s worth a shot.

San Francisco Giants - You traded Matt Duffy for Matt Moore and you need a third baseman. Miguel Cabrera has technically played third base.

Colorado Rockies - Just imagine the damage Cabrera would do in Colorado. A mile high in the air and thousands of miles away from Cleveland.

Arizona Diamondbacks - Now that Dave Stewart is gone, you won’t have to worry about dramatically overpaying (and thus helping the Tigers) to acquire Cabrera. I say do it.

San Diego Padres - Sign Andrew Cashner and tried to trade him for a star first baseman. Wait no, no one would ever make a silly trade like that.