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Cleveland Indians win 13-1, inspiring fans to complain about everything

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Everything is terrible and it's never going to get better.

This seagull is only here because the Dolans are too cheap to pay for janitorial staff
This seagull is only here because the Dolans are too cheap to pay for janitorial staff
Mike Levy, Cleveland.com

"How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the CleCom" is a periodic collection of Tribeland's most absurd commentary. (So named because much of the most absurd commentary has long been found in the comments at Cleveland.com) Think of it as the antithesis to "Soylent Green." I've traveled to the darkest corners of the internet, subjected myself to unspeakable horrors, all to gather the worst of the worst. I present it to you here without edits, and just a dash of commentary, so that you can reap the benefits of my suffering. Remember, folks - no matter how bad it gets, some people will always make it worse than it needs to be. So without further delay, here it is.

It's been a rough start to the season, and the good people of Tribeland - or Tribetown, or TribeTown, or whatever - have every right to be frustrated. You might think a good old fashioned drubbing of Detroit might go a long way to cure that frustration, but no one ever got famous being positive on the internet.

When a season starts this badly, it's hard to settle on just one vitriolic spittle receptacle. But a lot - like, a lot - of people really dislike Michel Bourn.

Bench Michelle Bourn. Or bat him 9th. This dude forgot how to hit.

OK, well, that's debatable, but it could be worse.

The picture of Michael Boring with his head down is a perfect portrait of his dismal tenure with the Tribe.

Michael Boring? That's not even really an insult. Maybe this won't be that bad.

I'd like to see Bourn's BA drop to .057 to see if Dubble Bubble will keep running him out there at 1.

I'm guessing "Dubble Bubble" is meant to be Terry Francona? I like it. Has a nice ring to it. And double-target hate? They're getting more sophisticated!

Give me a break Bourn. You think if you get a hit or 2 each game that will make all the difference in the world? What an idiot. Trade this bum now.

We just went from 0 to mouth breathing in under 30 seconds.

boun is garbage

There it is.

Ok, but Bourn clearly isn't the only issue with the team at the moment. Some have turned their anger to the coaching staff. Some can't concentrate hard enough to hate on just one person, so they've taken the carpet bomb of stupidity approach.

Guys, guys, guys, we would be better off putting the players names in a batting helmet and let 'Slider' pick out the batting order.

I don't think that'd be very wise. He doesn't even have opposable thumbs.

We need a whole new team and players who will be patient at the plate

Oh come on. Does patience hit 30 homeruns?

We go through this every year, and the on constant is our hitting coach. This guy was once known as the worst hitting coach in the league, and I have never seen this guy do anything to help these guys get though the tough times. in 3 years, he has never been able to Teach Carlos Santana how to while hitting left handed to hit a ground ball down the 3rd base line. It can be done.. Even when the pitcher pitches him inside. Bu then no one says anything.it goes against both the hitting coach, and manager Tito Francona . You stand up for this do nothing coach, you deserve to be fired as well. and if Chris does not see it, he too needs to be fired. Go have some brews at th corner bar guys. That is what is the most important anyway.

Impressive. Multiple sentences. I agree, someone needs to Teach Santana how to while.

Fire Ty Van dersloot or whatever our batting coach's name is.

Doesn't matter, names aren't important. Only hate. Maybe they're onto something, though. Maybe it's about the approach our hitters have been taking...

Groove one down the middle for strike one. Nearly every hitter in our lineup will take the pitch every time.

But wait, I thought patience was a good thing... maybe opposing defenses just have us figured out?

Puh-lease. Defend? They run a mediocre lefty pitcher out to the mound and sit around watching him mow down Tribe "hitters". Let's not overthink this. The outfielders could be sitting in lawn chairs watching Kipnis dribble weak rollers to the shortstop all night.

Alright then. But the team has had to deal with some key injuries. That's pretty sad.

Wanna see something really sad? Look over to the right side of the homepage and look at the Offensive leaders. Leading "hitter" Kipnis @ .224. Stolen Base leader Ramirez with 3 then Santana with 2. "Bournie" should be embarrassed. HRs, RBIs just as sad. But there is no reason for concern, Let's see It's still early, Gomes and Brantley injuries, Moss will come around, Bourn will improve, too many games on the road, cold weather, we need Lindor, yadda, yadda, yadda, oh yeah, and wait for it, . . . Whiffer will be back soon.

Despite the injuries, though, I think we've got solid depth. It's a testament to the front office and their keen eye for roster construction.

I just nominated Antonetti & Shapiro for Executives of the year for their off-season moves to improve the Tribe.

I'm not sure why this is being said sarcastically. Peers leaguwide and ownership alike have faith in the FO. Does that mean nothing?

Wow.... The Dolans have a POWERHOUSE....Thanks Front Office....Maybe you can sell some more tickets with this win but you are not Fooling the Cleveland Sports Fans with this Triple AAA team!

Yes, it means nothing.

One thing .... that's a given. They were lucky. Dolan hasn't produced anything worthwhile in twenty years. Maybe they should build a new stadium again in order to have a winning season.

As long as they don't spend a few million on the stadium rather than more talent, right? But who knows. Maybe a brand new stadium would get people out to games.

And we will hear from the players that they are upset that the fans are not coming out to the games. Why should we. To see this mess. Every year it is the same problem.

Ha, who am I kidding? Even outsiders can see the writing on the wall.

This team will win about 70 games this season. They are pathetic. You thought the Tigers had a bad bullpen? You guys have a top 10 ballpark (of the ones I have been to), what a shame that the team is so bad that only 600 a game show up.

Ah screw it. There really isn't anything to look forward to the rest of the year.

Cavs up 3-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that's all she wrote for now, folks. Stay tuned for future dips into the well of eternal negativity. Until then, bow your necks and keep grinding.