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Cleveland Indians headlines that will only appear in alternate-reality versions of 2016

What are the Indians up to in Universe 479b?

Sean Gallup/Getty Images

With 2015 winding down in mere hours, it's time to look ahead to 2016. Several stories are sure to pop up in 2016 that will surprise just about everyone like they do every year. As much as we wish we had a time machine to travel forward to October 2016 and see how the Indians finished the year, we don't. Such an invention is a silly work of science fiction and probably cannot even exist in the real world.

All we have instead is this '94 Ford Probe capable of taking us to any point in time in another dimension. Unlike that made-up "Delorean" vehicle from Back to the Future, this is a very real car and I have used it to travel around in several alternate reality versions of 2016 to scan some of the headlines that may not appear in our ho-hum "realistic" path in space-time. And then I copy and pasted some inserts from those articles because CTRL+C and CTRL+V is a cross-dimensional property. Look it up in your science book, nerds.

Trevor Bauer allowed to use drone on the mound

[...]In a surprise move, baseball commissioner Pete Rose has ruled that Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer can use his AR Parrot 2.0 drone with strobe light attachement on the mound. When asked about the added benefit of being able to constantly flash a pulsing light in the eye of his opponenents, Bauer stated: "Yeah." [...]

Francisco Lindor retroactively named AL Rookie of the Year

[...]Realizing the mistake they made in 2015 when they named Houston Astros shortstop Carlos Correa American League Rookie of the Year instead of Francisco Lindor, the BBWAA declared Lindor AL ROY earlier today. In addition, they also named him AL MVP, NL MVP, AL Cy Young runner-up and they awarded him the Arlington Million Trohpy--an award normally reserved for the winner of the Arlington Million horse race.[...]

Indians considering benching their MLB-issued Mike Trout clone

[...]To date, Major League Baseball's decision to clone Mike Trout 29 times and give each team their superstar centerfielder has been a rousing success. The move has resulted in every team selling out tickets to their first 63 games of the 2016 season, except for the Indians who sold out only 61 games. As a result, manager Terry Francona has debated whether or not to bench the Mike Trout clone, stating: "We love Trout#14 out there, he's great. But we recently traded to re-acquire Mike Aviles and we would like to see him get some playing time in the near future."[...]

It's August and Terry Francona still has not chewed a single piece of gum

[...]Indians manager Terry Francona has still not chewed a single piece of Bubble Yum Bubble Gum, and we are mid-way through August in the 2016 season. That has not stopped Jason Kipnis and others from supplying their skipper with gum, however, resulting in the dugout beng filled to the brim with unchewed Bubble Gum. Analysts speculate that if Francona does not start chewing gum soon, the Indians may need to relocate away from Cleveland to find a new stadium to make room for the constant gum supply. [...]

I am so glad we traded for Yasiel Puig. (FANPOST)

[...]Can you believe we traded Carlos Carrasco for this superstar straight up last offseason? 52 home runs, a 1.273 OPS, and a great clubhous leader to boot. That Matt Lyons sure is a genius, I just wish he accepted the Indians offer to be ther new general manager instead of sailing the world in his gold Yacht. [...]

Cleveland.com commenter's wish comes true; Clint Frazier has been promoted to the Major Leagues two years ahead of schedule

[...]Indians general manager Chris Antonetti announced earlier today that outfielder Clint Frazier has been promoted to the Major Leagues, two years before his expected arrival and still unable to hit most Major League pitching.

"We really wanted Frazier to get some more seasoning in the minors so he could have an immediate impact on the team," said Antonetti, "but when ABelle4Life called us 'stupid igorant ashole morans who don't know how 2 run a team' and demanded we promote Frazier immediately, we knew it was the right thing to do."[...]

Johnny Manziel and the Browns completed their Super Bowl run, now it's the Indians turn. (FANPOST)

[...]...I mean just look at the Browns. Johnny Football took the Browns to the Super Bowl for the second straight year, so why can't Jasonny Baseball, Brantlenny Baseball, Lonnie Baseball, and Corey Baseball lead the Indians to a championship? Have they considered partying more? [...]

Peter Gammons: Brantley not expected to return until 2019

[...]Despite Michael Brantley returning from his torn labrum surgery months ago, ESPN's Peter Gammons asserts that the All-Star left fielder will not return until the tail end of the 2019 season.

"I know Brantley already has 12 home runs since returning from his injured shoulder in June," Gammons told SportsCenter, "but I'm hearing the surgery was more complicated than initially thought and he will not return from his injured shoulder until 2019. Look for Corey Kluber to be playing third base at that time, as well."[...]