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Indians Nearly Have Good Off Day, Lose It Late

CLEVELAND—Manny Acta's Cleveland Indians will spend another night demoralized after blowing their Off Day late on Monday afternoon. "The Off Day started really well," Acta said. "We're just struggling to finish right now—these are good guys, young guys. They need more time to grow to a point where you can expect a successful Off Day. Right now, we hope for one, but soon—soon, you can expect it." 

The Indians were red-hot as dawn broke on Monday, and a successful Off Day seemed inevitable. An anonymous scout had rookie third basemen Lonnie Chisenhall "absolutely housing Multigrain Cheerios—70 grade Cheerio eating", while there were multiple reports from downtown Euclid that Chad Durbin's shirt was fitting really well. Things began to turn sour around lunchtime, when reliever Vinnie Pestano became unnecessarily irritated with a Subway Sandwich Artist™ who neglected to add extra banana peppers to a sandwich Pestano had ordered. Even with Pestano's blowup, the Tribe seemed poised for a win. Lou Marson settled things down by winning a Pop-A-Shot game at a Buffalo Wild Wings across town as several of his teammates looked on and cheered—reports from inside the BW3 were strong on all fronts. One enthusiastic observer insisted that he saw Ryan Garko, "who ate some of the pretty hot wings, but not as many as Shelley Duncan, who ate a ton of really hot wings."  

Before the Off Day could end, though, the Cleveland Police Department received a phone call from a hysterical shouting woman—on the publicly released 9-1-1 tape she can be heard screaming,  "Travis Hafner is eating my baby's stroller! How will we get anywhere? He's eating the wheels!" Forensic analysis of the tape eventually proved that her report had been false, but not before Hafner's reputation was ruined and the Off Day totally lost. The Indains next Off Day will be a week from today, on August 15. Acta said he hoped his team performed better next week.