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Spring Training Haikus

Count Raff-u-la.
Count Raff-u-la.

Taking a nod from Kevin Goldstein's Organizational Ranking Haikus, and remembering that haikus are always fun, I set out to find the essence of our roster in poetry. 

Asdrubal Cabrera

We traded Jhonny

In order to protect you.

Avoid fatties, please. 

Drew Pomeranz

Pale, tall, knuckle curve

A ghost from Mississippi

Who will you haunt, Drew?

Raffy Perez

String bean as vampire

Count Raff-u-la drinks your blood

Fans and foes, either

Joe Martinez

Wait, who are you—Joe?

No, seriously, you're who? 

Your name is Joe, right? 

Orlando Cabrera

How did you get here? 

Someone said you hit doubles;

OK, try that then.

Chris Perez

Can't remember when

I last saw pure rage like that

Fastball-slider set.

Austin Kearns

Leaving Harry's Bar:

bad choice. But forgiveness is

A game-winning hit.

Carlos Carrasco

Big stuff, all around

This other Carlos is good

Stars with shared first names

Ezequiel Carrera

EZ Zeke on base

Wow, four syllable first name

You can be Coco

Jason Donald

Up for whatever.

Weren't you a top prospect, once? 

Does that still matter?

Mitch Talbot

Bearded atop mound

Outcomes the pitch—what is it? 

Doesn't matter much

Lonnie Chisenhall

Outsiders know you

Increasing pressure to fail

Don't Marte on me

Justin Masterson

Giant Jamaican

So fast, dirty, nasty, sink

Hitting the backstop

Jason Kipnis

Barrel chest, thick arms

Blacksmith on the hot corner

Stay hot and hammer

Jensen Lewis

Those ladies you tweet,

I do not know them per se

But I would warn you.

Carlos Santana

Bright smile, big man

Your stick makes me dream of Belle

Don't slide headfirst, dude.

Lou Marson

Don't use that fungo

Wait, that's your real bat, Marson? 

Oh no—Oh no, no

Shelley Duncan

So much Frankenstein

Did you meet Count Raff-u-la?

You two should hang out.

Frank Hermann

Big fastball and brain

Which one is worth more these days? 

Can't tell, no offspeed

Alex White

There's a new you, now.

Southern, taller, more pitches;

That two-seamer better rule.

Michael Brantley

Look like a player

Smooth strides, uniform looks right

So why don't you hit?

Tony Sipp

I've known you so long:

Closer of future, '06.

Now, high-five Perez.

Josh Tomlin

Short, tossing Texan

You are so dull, Josh Tomlin

Make hitters doze off

Nick Johnson

Wrists are for hitting

Wrists are not for surgery

Hope wrists are attached

Jared Goedert

Man that was quick, huh?

Window closed quickly for you

Say hi to Jordan

Cole Cook

Geez, you're likable

Hope you can pitch as well as

you can write a tweet

Trevor Crowe

You have a new 'do.

If you hit enough-NL!

Keep your wheels, you'll last

Jordan Brown

Walk proud, Jordan Brown

You played in the majors

More than most, for sure

Fausto Carmona

Front of the first five

You are what did not happen

Killing earthworms, still

Matt LaPorta

Hurt hip, they told us.

Crown Prince of a barren farm? 

Can you till our fields? 

Joe Smith

We'll need your I-9

Also, a copy of your passport

You'll start on beer sales

Shin-Soo Choo

No longer a solider

In the future near or far

Baseball pays sometimes

Travis Hafner

Low budget horror:

The Shoulder That Ate Cleveland

Will the lights come on? 

Grady Sizemore

Full speed workouts, soon

Run like the wind, former star

Run back to the past