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Eric Wedge: "A Very Convincing Guy"

A friend of Eric Wedge says this about his meeting with Cubs' owners: "He is a very convincing guy, so this can only help his chances."

—Buster Olney via Twitter

Eric Wedge can convince you of all kinds of stuff. Eric Wedge will use persuasion methods, honed for years in dark alleys, dance clubs, board rooms and locker rooms, to make you do what he wants. Eric Wedge is a "very convincing guy."

Eric Wedge Uses Body Language To Convince Jhonny Peralta To Improve His Focus

[Jhonny Peralta commits fourteenth mental error of game]

[Eric Wedge glares, silently]

[Jhonny Peralta does not notice Eric Wedge; makes fifteenth mental error of game, second of inning]

[Eric Wedge ignores Jhonny Peralta as Peralta returns to dugout]

[Jhonny Peralta does not notice Eric Wedge]

[Jhonny Peralta accidentally sits on top of Eric Wedge]

[Eric Wedge sits, silently, underneath Jhonny Peralta]

Eric Wedge Uses The Scientific Method To Convince Ryan Garko To Play Left Field

Ryan, I am defining the question as, "Can Ryan Garko play left field?" I have gathered information on this question to help me answer it. I have observed the way you move. I have noted your communication skills. I have collected data on how quickly you move around the clubhouse and also how you move in your actual home. I have put cameras in your home, Ryan, so I can gather the information I need. I did not ask your permission. That would've invalidated the data.

I have formed a hypothesis. The hypothesis is "Ryan Garko can do anything." I've broadened my initial research question on the basis of what I've observed, especially what I've seen you do in your home.

I've performed mental experiments to determine if my hypothesis is true. I've imagined you in left field, Ryan. I've done it for 45 minutes every day for the last seven and a half months. I've collected data on the images I've seen. I've analyzed that data. The data's been interpreted. I know the score. You can play left, Ryan. I've seen you do it, thousands of times. Hundreds of thousands.

Now, it's up to you. Go retest my hypothesis in your new laboratory, out there in front of that big wall. Go confirm my findings. Go play left, Ryan. Don't worry — science has given its blessing.

Eric Wedge Uses Seduction To Convince Mark Shapiro To Trade Brandon Phillips

Why, hello, Mark. I didn't think you were coming down yet. Let me just finish my drying my hair. I don't usually blow dry it, but it gets so brittle in these cold winters. Is that a new polo shirt, Mark? It exactly toes the line between "business" and "casual." It's incredible how perfectly it bridges those two worlds, especially with those khakis. I love those pleats.

Mark, the reason I wanted you to come down here, the thing I wanted to talk about, is, well, it's worldly, Mark. It's frank; candid. Do you know what I mean?

I mean the middle infield, Mark. Have you ever seen a really great middle infielder work? Who am I kidding — of course you have. So, you know what it's like then. To watch Trammel on the pivot. To see Dick Groat hurry to turn two. To observe how Nick Punto can move between either side of the bag so easily, adeptly. Like a child hopping back and forth across a creek or brook.

Do you want it to be like that, Mark? Because I do. I do badly. I want to feel that, I want us both to feel that. I know how to make us feel that. Do you know how, Mark? I think you do. I'd like you to do it. I'd like you to give us both the chance to feel this, together.

Eric Wedge Uses Coercion To Convince Andy Marte He Was Never Supposed To Be Starting Third Baseman

Andy, I wanted to address something I've been hearing — something about you wanting to start at third. Did you hear that somewhere? That you were supposed to be starting?

Ah, ok. I get it. You thought you were traded for to start at third base. Someone at your old team told you that. No, we wanted you to be more of a utility guy — to bunt guys over, stuff like that. That's what everyone here thought, I'm pretty sure. Casey-did you think Andy was supposed to take your job at third?

No, no, I didn't think that either. I mostly thought he was going to bunt guys over, stuff like that. Andy, I'm sorry. Maybe there was a misunderstanding — were you going to play left or something? Let me check — hey, Dave and Jason, were you guys supposed to lose starts to Andy Marte, this new guy? Does he play left?

Ok, no, that's fine. I wasn't asking you to give up any starts, no sweat. I didn't think he played left — ha, ha, funny, Jason but put down the bat. They're just joking, Andy. Don't worry. I guess it's obvious now that the plan wasn't for you to start at third or play in left and, well, I'm looking at you and you don't look like you could really play anywhere else. Maybe over at first or something, but that position is pretty well locked up; I've got Garko over there. I can't see moving him. So, yeah, mostly bunt guys over, stuff like that. Does that sound good to you?

Good. Great. I'm glad we're all on the same page.

Eric Wedge Uses Mind Control To Convince Larry Dolan Not To Fire Him

I hear what you're saying Mr. Dolan but I wanted to just say, HAMILTONIAN PUFFER FISH! HAMILTONIAN PUFFER FISH! HAMILTONIAN PUFFER FISH!


Ah, um. Well, um, have you been reviewing all of the game tape I send up to your office? Yes? Well then this should be working: SLAMILTONIAN PUFFER FISH! FAMILY TONY ANNE FISH PUFFER!

It's a trigger word, sir. It's supposed to allow me to control — I mean, it worked in the 2008 meeting. I don't understand what could have gone wrong. SHAMILTONIAN GUFFER DISH! HAMILTONIAN PUFFER FISH!

Yes, sir. I'll pack my things.

Eric Wedge Uses Body Language To Convince CC Sabathia Not To Ruin 2008 Baseball Season

[CC Sabathia pitches horribly in first start of 2008]

[Eric Wedge glares, silently]

[CC Sabathia pitchers horribly in second start of 2008]

[Eric Wedge twitches lip while standing in front of CC Sabathia]

[CC Sabathia pitches horribly in third start of 2008]

[Eric Wedge stares past CC Sabathia in public, private spaces]

[CC Sabathia pitches horribly in fourth start of 2008]

[Eric Wedge crosses arms and blinks excessively when talking to CC Sabathia in manager's office]

[Jhonny Peralta accidentally sits on top of Eric Wedge while Eric Wedge talks to CC Sabathia in manager's office]

[Eric Wedge sits, silently, underneath Jhonny Peralta]